Gottman Therapists: We Aren’t So Scary, Really!

Dr. John Gottman’s research on predicting relationship stability or instability is remarkable and for those that are familiar with his research you know he is the first scientist/therapist to figure this out. Most couples are anxious about therapy to begin with, so when a Gottman therapist tells a couple that therapy doesn’t start until after an assessment, anxiety may go up a notch or two, the palms get sweaty, and the scary feeling of not knowing what to expect kind of works its way up to the throat – where it sticks. Sometimes people think assessment means that the therapist will tell the couple whether they should stay married or not, or they fear that maybe they will find out that the  relationship problem is their fault after all – just like their partner has been saying. Neither of these things happen in assessment because assessment boils down to two questions: What are the strengths in this relationship and what are the areas that need attention? We now know from the research what works to predict long-term relationship satisfaction, but if things are not working well then Gottman therapists are trained to explain why and what it takes to change the direction of the relationship.  It’s up to the couple whether they want to and are willing to take that path.     

I am writing from Seattle at the end of day three of a four day training workshop in Gottman Method Therapy. Once a year the Gottman Institute offers advanced training to therapists deepening skills in assessment and methods to help couples struggling with conflict or with having grown apart emotionally. Along with several other Certified Gottman Therapists, I am assisting in helping during the small group role plays where therapists learn and practice therapeutic interventions based on Dr. Gottman’s research and the methodology of therapy he and Dr. Julie Gottman developed out of that research. Seventy therapists nationally representing 14 states and internationally from Canada, Mexico, Australia and the Netherlands, have joined ranks to learn and practice skills in Gottman Method Therapy.  Tomorrow Julie is teaching therapeutic approaches for couples with special issues like clinical depression, chemical dependency and trauma history.

Therapists know couples feel anxious about dealing with their relationship, it’s scary. Let me tell you, the therapists I have met this week are really nice people, not scary at all. Just like the couples we work with therapists learn new skills, seek guidance and coaching on those skills, and need to work to maintain those skills. Nobody has to be perfect; we just have to keep working at it. I remember going through my advanced training and the anticipation I felt before actually starting, a mixture of excitement and it felt a little scary not knowing what to expect. It didn’t take long, however, to experience connection and support with the Gottman community. Beginning something new can feel scary, but maybe that won’t necessarily stop us from taking the next step anyway.

Family Legacies: How Do You Feel About Feelings?

How do you feel about feelings? This may seem a strange question, but how we view emotions factors into and influences our communication with our partners. Sometimes couples feel like they are on separate roads emotionally when it comes to differences in feeling and expressing emotions like sadness, anger, affection, pride, and happiness - to name a few. This leads to the question, how can couples merge these differences in a way that leads to better managing the couple’s emotional life? It starts with understanding the emotional legacy each person is bringing into the relationship. In my previous blog Family Legacies: The Good, Bad, and the Ugly (March 21, 2009) I discuss the importance of thinking about what we have learned from our families of origin about relationships and how this works its way into our own relationships today: So what have we learned about emotions?      

I recall a husband proudly proclaiming that he came from a “strong family” emotionally. He spoke of how during his grandmother’s funeral his mother remained unemotional and advised her children to “be strong”; reminding them that crying showed weakness. This man, understandably, struggled with supporting his wife when her mother died. This was a very painful time for her and their marriage.

In the families of couples I work with where there is a history of untreated addiction, often times I hear that emotions like grief, anger, and sadness were not tolerated. Denial of the addiction usually means denial of feelings. The message in these families is: “There is no reason to feel upset, scared, or angry; and if you do feel anything like that, there is really something wrong with you!”

Individuals from a family where there has been verbal or physical violence are likely to struggle with anger. Sometimes the emotional experience of anger in the relationship touches off intense fear and withdrawal. Other times, individuals from these families struggle with managing anger, flying off the handle and flooding easily with overwhelming rage.

In some families the norm is to not express gratitude or appreciation for behavior that is expected. Growing up in these families leads to real challenges for partners in their own relationships to support each other with kind words and expressions of fondness. We know from the research that couples who are able to notice and comment on what they appreciate about their partner have stronger friendships – this dynamic correlates with sex and passion in the marriage.

We are not doomed by are past, but we may need to explore what that past has been when it comes to expressing emotions. One approach is to discuss with your partner what their experience was in their family of different emotions.

Consider the following questions for each of the emotions listed below. What was your experience in your family of (emotion)? How did your parents respond to each other’s (emotion)? What is it like to experience (emotion) now in our relationship?

Insert the following emotions into each of these questions (one at a time):

1.      Sadness

2.      Anger

3.      Affection

4.      Pride

5.      Happiness  

This can be a challenging dialogue, but if you haven’t had this conversation, it can lead to greater understanding of an important part of the relationship: emotions and how they are managed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Family Legacies: The Good, Bad and the Ugly

Every family creates legacies. There are different kinds of legacies; some we strive to maintain, others we struggle with. If we think about some of these legacies long enough we may come to see some as destructive, undermining our relationship: unnoticed detours to closeness and intimacy. The Online Merriam-Webster Dictionary (www.merriam-webster.com) defines legacy as:  “Something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past.” We can see how important it is to be mindful of these legacies: the good, bad and the ugly.

Positive legacies involve family traditions we have experienced in our family of origin and want to bring into our own relationships, ways we celebrate: holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, take care of sick family members, approach vacations, etc. These kinds of legacies truly are gifts from our ancestors, predictable rituals of connection and family life.

Recently, some couples I am working with addressed some painful, not positive legacies from their families: alcoholism, rage, and emotional aloofness to name three. These discussions were important because these legacies were unnoticed, unnamed detours, shaping behaviors, views, and perspectives of themselves and their relationships.  As we began to explore the impact of family history on the current relationship new awareness’s emerged, ultimately helping to these couples to see and understand their own reactions. Decisions to do things differently offered hope for change and tools to establish new rituals and traditions.
Consider with your partner what traditions (legacies) you want to maintain in your family relationships. Are there new rituals you would like to start?

See blog: Emotional Legacies: How Do You Feel About Feelings? (March 22, 2009)

Stop! In the Name of Love

My wife and I took advantage of a little 24 hour get-a-way this weekend. These 24 hour breaks are a long-standing tradition of ours and one we had not done in a while. They are great because while we are able to take time for ourselves it doesn’t take all weekend, which then allows us time to manage some of the stuff that we need to take care of: not a bad compromise. So we were walking on a windy Northern California beach after sunset, when I noticed my wife had her warm little beanie on. As my ears were becoming numb and tingly, I reminded her that I did not have my beanie because she and my daughter threw it out, unbeknownst to me. One day I was looking for it and when I saw my wife and daughter look at each other and try not to smile, I knew at that moment they had ditched my beloved beanie. She reminded me that they threw it out because…well, they tell me, I had a big head, and gee, “It really doesn’t look good on you”. Head size in our family seems to be a topic of conversation for some reason. Back to the walk…As I looked at my wife with her warm ears, I reminded her how nice it would be to have a warm beanie right now. She looked at me and laughed, as I sang the song “There ain’t no beanie big enough”…of course to the tune of Marvin Gaye’s There Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.   

This led me to think of the great Motown hit recorded by the Diana Ross and the Supremes in 1965. The story behind this Motown hit, Stop! In the Name of Love, has a lesson for us that underscores the wisdom of just stopping when the conversation with our partner is on the slippery slope. Lamont Dozier was a song writer and part of a production team for the Supremes, as well as other great Motown groups like The Isley Brothers and The Four Tops. Apparently Lamont and his girlfriend were having an argument, she started heading out the door when Lamont was inspired to yell, “Stop…in the name of love.” She did indeed stop and began laughing. Lamont’s quick thinking and use of humor did the trick. Things calmed down and Lamont had the beginning of an idea for the song that would eventually hold the number-one position on the Billboard Hot 100 Singles. This well known song was part of a series of continuous hits for the Supremes – is it running through your head right now? It is for me as I am writing this blog – but I digress.

The lyrics start with “Stop! In the Name of Love, before you break my heart…think it over, think it over”. The song goes on to mention that the lover is heading out the door to someone else, but the story in this song is the wisdom underneath those few lyrics above. When an argument starts heating up, take a breath, and just stop in the name of love; take a break, take a walk, and if you can, make an agreement with your partner to stop. 

The wisdom of “think it over” is building in a lag between thoughts and the words that come out of the mouth. We all can say things that we don’t mean when we are angry. When we are really overwhelmed with emotion we become flooded with that emotion. John Gottman’s research on diffuse physiologic arousal indicates that couples can not listen or process anything when one or both partners are flooded; our bodies become overwhelmed with stress hormones, a rapid heartbeat, elevated blood pressure, and other symptoms of an activated sympathetic nervous system in the fight or flight mode.

Next time you get angry, before you break your partners heart, “Stop in the Name of Love”, and “Think it over, think it over”. Let the song play in your head, or you can think of a guy with a big head stretching the beaney to its limits.

Silence: A Relationship Killer

Dick and Pat were struggling in their relationship. It seemed to them that they had different opinions on almost everything. What bothered Pat even more than these differences was that she and Dick couldn’t seem to talk about them. He often felt attacked and would withdraw; she felt that she wasn’t able to talk about the issues without Dick becoming defensive. It seemed that even the simplest issues were becoming impossible. So, how do we explain why two intelligent people with really good problem-solving skills, can’t figure out who is going to take out the garbage or how much money to spend on a couch?

John Gottman’s research on conflict uncovers the mystery. Gottman discovered that 69% of the problems that couples identify as problems are ongoing, perpetual problems. This is normal, even in the best of marriages differences in personality, preferences, temperament, beliefs, etc. lead to a particular set of disagreements that aren’t going to change, because our basic beliefs, personalities and preferences aren’t going to change. When couples can laugh about these differences, or lovingly laugh at themselves or partners, then they have figured out that these issues just aren’t going to go away. They have also figured out, for the most part, how to manage those differences. When couples – like Dick and Pat – aren’t able to laugh about the differences and has escalated to pain and withdrawal, then the issue has moved from being a normal perpetual conflict issue, to being a perpetual, gridlocked. 

Gottman found that about 16% of perpetual issues are gridlocked. These are the issues that are the most painful and problematic for couples. For example, when Dick and Pat fight about how much money to spend on a couch it is because underneath the conflict is a symbolic meaning that they have not talked about. If they were to start to approach the issue differently and find out what makes this issue important, they would find out that one of Dick’s greatest fears is losing financial security.  Growing up he remembers his family as always struggling financially. Dick would describe his father as careless with money, having bad judgment, and putting their family in ongoing financial distress. Pat would say that her family experience was exactly the opposite. Her parents continually complained about not wanting to spend money and they would yell at her and her sister about being “spoiled, selfish and expecting too much.” She remembers one Christmas getting a cheap bag of plastic farm animal figures; this memory still brings tears to her eyes.When couples get stuck over issues that you would normally think shouldn’t be that difficult to figure out, the odds are really good that the issue is a perpetual gridlocked conflict. What should you do? Here is a very helpful game plan:

1. Have a different type of conversation, one that doesn’t focus on problem solving
2. Make an agreement to try to understand what makes the issue so important to the other person. Ask questions and try to listen 
3. Make the goal to have dialogue, remember avoid problem-solving, convincing, or arguing for your position

Dick and Pat will need to deal with their differences on spending their entire marriage, but the goal is to remember that differences are normal and that it is important to continue to talk about these differences by first focusing on what the issue actually means to the both of them. This helps move the problem from gridlock to dialogue. Don’t fall into silence, at least not for very long.

 

Relationships: Letting Go of Past Hurts

Where is our relationship at? How can I forgive him/her for what has happened? How can we go forward when my partner keeps talking about the past? Do we have a future? These are questions many couples struggle with in the counseling room, sorting through the mixture of ambivalent and often contradictory feelings about the relationship. 

I have noticed a common dynamic with couples on a path to heal their relationship that at first glance seems counter-intuitive: When things get better, people sometimes get angry. ”Why?” you ask, first, let me set the stage. Research indicates that couples wait too long before actually getting help with a relationship in trouble: on the average six years. A lot happens during those six years of a deteriorating  relationship; most often there are patterns of increasing levels of anger and/or emotional disengagement leading to  indifference. Secondly, partners often carry hurts from the past that makes it hard to stay in the present or work toward the future. Now, back to that common dynamic, when things start getting better, sometimes partners get angry and frustrated. Why? Because the feeling is “Why did this have to take so long? Why couldn’t we do these things years ago?” So, what helps to manage negative feelings when things are actually going positively in the relationship?

There are no pat answers, but something that may help is to know that us humans are able to hold or feel contradictory feelings at the same time: “I love that we are doing better” with “I hate that we are doing better only after all this pain”. Or, “I feel close to you when you try and make efforts to improve our relationship” with “How can I feel close to you if I don’t know if I can really trust you?”  These feelings may quickly alternate, sometimes within seconds of each other. I often talk to couples about this dynamic when things start going better after long periods of the relationship not going well. Protecting ourselves from pain is a normal, natural thing, so when these feelings come up it may help to see these feelings as very understandable.

It usually helps if couples can see healing as a process, managing the contradictory feelings, and at the same time working on strengthening the friendship part of the relationship by taking time for each other, remaining positive and not critical and being gentle during conflict.  The challenge is to work toward developing a balance between discussing past hurts with working toward building a better relationship.

I would like to thank my colleague and fellow Certified Gottman Method Therapist, Andy Greendorfer, for sharing with me a wonderful metaphor he tells couples who are struggling with issues from the past. Andy wrote the following: ”Think of your relationship in terms of driving a car. You want to look in your rear view mirror to see where you have been, but not for too long. You will also want to look forward to see where you are going. You don’t want to ignore what is behind you as it informs the present, but if you don’t look forward and watch for where you are headed, you may drive off the road.”

When driving in traffic good drivers know how concerned to be with what’s behind them and what’s ahead of them. In relationships  “traffic conditions” change too, so flexibility and adaptability of dealing with past, present and future is what usually is most helpful. If you are struggling or differing with each other about that balance, consider having a therapist help you, hopefully, sooner than later. Good luck.    

      

The Six Second Kiss: It’s about Time!

 One of the biggest complaints I hear in the counseling room are related to couples not feeling close, of  having lost touch with each other. Sometimes this happens because of significant problems and differences between them that have driven them apart. Other times the emotional distance has been created to a large degree by the lack of time given to the relationship.  It is easy to get carried away with the flood of responsibilities and things we manage in life. Let’s face it, the list never ends of things to do, places to go, people to see.

We know from Dr. Gottman’s research that couples that feel close have somehow managed to use the same 24 hours in a day that we all have, and dedicate some of that time to the relationship frequently. When they get off track they take a relationship “self correction” turn around and manage to find some time for each other.

One wonderful and simple ritual that many couples have incorporated into their lives is the six second kiss. Instead of the peck on the cheek when you greet each other or say good night, try a kiss that lasts for six seconds. This is a nice way to be mindful of and present to your partner. It is a way to communicate caring, attention and can really help you feel more connected to your partner. If you don’t feel ready for a kiss, modify; perhaps you could go for the six second hug.

Let’s see: Six seconds, twice a day, times seven days=84 seconds/week. This might be a timely consideration for your relationship. So next time you give your partner a kiss, give it a second thought – six seconds to be exact!

How Does Your Relationship Measure Up?

 I was in a session with a couple where they were taking stock of their relationship, discussing how each saw things. They shared with me how nice it was to focus on the positive in their relationship, not just talking about what wasn’t working. Things weren’t perfect, but noticing what was going right helped to cope with what wasn’t. That got me to think about the question of how couples measure their relationships. Lets listen to Mary Ann and David. 

Mary Ann looked up at her husband, “You know, I have been thinking about our relationship.”

David thought to himself  ‘Oh boy, here we go, what now?’ He braced himself internally – the same physiologic response he had when that oncoming SUV crossed into his lane last week. David responded with a non committal, but slightly questioning, “Yea?”

“Well”, Mary Ann continued, “We do a lot of things right.”

David’s stomach muscles relaxed considerably, he felt himself start to breathe again: the SUV missed him. ”We do? Like what, what are you referring to?” 

“We had a nice dinner last night, it was nice just you and me, it had been a while since we have been able to do that.  I had a good time. Also,  I’m glad we finally got rid of that old toilet that has been sitting in our garage . We replaced that thing a couple months ago and it was starting to get to me. At least now I don’t feel like I’m driving into an outhouse.” Mary Ann laughed.

David smiled and joined her laughter. “I told you we could have planted a fern and put the whole thing on our front lawn, for some reason you didn’t like that idea. “They were both relieved to get rid of the “family throne” as they called it. “Dinner was nice; we should try to get out more, even if for just a cup of coffee or something.”

“That would be nice David. You thought I was going to nail you for something, didn’t you?”

David looked thoughtful. “I wasn’t sure Mary Ann, this was OK; no, this was good.” David smiled again

There were a lot of conversations that David and Mary Ann could have had. Either one of them could have focused on what wasn’t working – her work schedule, his tendency to want to stay home, to name just a few of the many items they both could list. How the relationship measures up depends on what is used to measure the relationship. When things are stressed in a relationship, it’s hard to notice what is going right and all you see is the yardstick of failure. When taking stock of your own relationship, think about what is going right as well as what bothers you: Now that’s a measure of success by any standard.

A Relationship GPS: Wouldn’t It Be Nice

 

Several months ago I got a GPS unit, I love the thing,  it’s amazing; It knows where you are, tells you how to get to where you want to go, and how long it takes to get there. Not only that, but when you don’t follow directions correctly it doesn’t get mad, it makes adjustments and gently and without judgement,  says things like, “When possible turn around”, or “That’s OK Bob, we all make mistakes, please turn right then right again. So how is your day going? My, you look nice in that shirt”. Well, maybe the last statement is a bit of an exaggeration, but I love when it makes its recalculations because I didn’t follow the directions; it makes the adjustments not me. Well, human relationships are a lot more complicated and not so one-sided. But wouldn’t it be nice if we had something like a relationship GPS 

I heard a radio commercial a while back that was based on this very concept. A warning would go off when the guy wasn’t responding right and a relationship dead end or disaster was imminent unless he changed direction. My version of this wonderful idea goes this way:  

“Jim, do you think I talk too much?”

“Well Karen, you do go on and on and on sometimes.” WARNING, WARNING ,WARNING, BACKUP IMMEDIATELY…Well, let me try this one again. Why do you ask?

“Because Sharon told me she thought I talked too much, it hurt my feelings.”

“Why do you let her bother you, I’m sure she had a bad day, or you are over reacting.” WARNING, DON’T GO THERE…”Wow, that is a mean thing to say to you. What did you do after she said that?”

“Nothing really I said I was sorry, but later I got mad”.  

“Can we eat dinner now and talk about this later?” WARNING, STAY ON COURSE… I can understand why, I don’t like feeling criticized, nobody does”

“Yea, maybe I go on a bit sometimes, but I think she was rude”. Let’s eat, I just wanted to get that off my chest”

OK. (Whew, I made it, and we made pretty good time too).    

  

You Want Me To Do What??

Pete’s voice is rising as he directs the latest tirade at Susan, “You want me to pick up your mother from the airport? It is at least 45 minutes from the airport to our house…alone…with her”. Susan reacts immediately, “Pete, all you have to do is turn on talk radio, she loves that kind of stuff. You are being unreasonable here, you know I have a meeting today at 3:00, I can’t get her!” Susan’s eyes seem to get bigger, Pete’s voice, surprisingly lowers, “Suzie, what if we arrange a shuttle?” Susan screams “Pete, get real, it’s not that big of a deal. My father would never react this way to my mother’s asking for help”. Pete’s calm voice suddenly sounds like Darth Vader, slowly and deliberately: “Susan, I am not your father!!” Suddenly, Susan started laughing as Pete made hissing sounds.

These two are masters a de-escalating conflict. Anger is OK in a relationship, but escalating conflict, or anger with belligerence is damaging. Susan and Pete were angry, but they were able to step out of the path of the charging bull without getting gored. Stepping out of the way with humor, or taking a break, or  simply taking a few deep breaths, will change the outcome of potential time bombs.

As it turns out, Pete later reported to Susan that the trip wasn’t too bad; her mother was jet lagged and fell asleep on the way to the house.  Susan smiled and thanked Pete for “completing the mission”, adding “Let’s use our Jedi powers to get through this one. She will only be here a week”. They both laughed and did get through it together.

Unplug To Connect This Valentine’s Day (and Beyond)

 

Here is a bit of a word play: “Being present is a great present” (for your Valentine). What do I mean by this? Well, too often we are distracted, impacted,  and protracted in a million different directions by the very devices we buy to simplify our lives. There are unlimited ways our attention is redirected, especially by the variety of  sexy and seductive electronic gizmos -  Imagine a scene where two lovers are together feeling all romantic and cozy…off goes BlackBerry #1, “Excuse me, I have to return this call”. Two minutes later an iPhone informs person #2 of a text message. Beeping, buzzing, and vibrating, these romance-breaking moments lead us to turn away from our partner, and a bit more distance creeps its way in the relationship  You get the picture, speaking of which, one of the phones is downloading a picture of a friend’s new baby.  

Hmmm, what’s wrong with this picture? Gottman relationship approaches encourage couples to develop rituals of connection; predictable times and ways couples can count on to get together, talk, share, just hang out like: Coffee or tea together in the morning or after dinner, checking in with each other at the end of the day, taking a short walk on a Saturday, planning something fun to attend in the next month. 

An important part of any of these rituals is to actually turn off the electronics, in other words, a ritual of disconnection from all those electronic sirens beckoning us to them. See if you can find the off switch, most of those things actually can be turned off, and be present for your partner. Initially, some may experience withdrawal, but eventually you begin to remember how things used to be – now that’s romantic. Good luck.

Relationship Skills Are Easy, But Hard To Remember (Sometimes)

Much of what we now know works in relationships isn’t hard to do – at least theoretically. Couples that stay together have three qualities to their relationship: they treat each other like friends, they are positive with each other, and they are gentle in how they handle conflict. This translates in a pattern of non-attacking, non-defensive interactions in managing conflict. They like each other and are positive in non-conflict interactions. In other words, treat your partner like a good friend. We all know how to treat our friends to keep the relationship going, even when we feel disappointed.

I encourage couples to be patient with themselves and with their partners, especially on the bad days. This relationship stuff takes a while to get. “Little things often” is a signature motto of the Gottman Institute. Over time those little things make a difference, and little things are easy to do, we just have to remember to do them.

What’s one little thing to do often? Well try this, every day find at least three positive things you like or appreciate about your partner and actually tell it to him/her. If you do that every day for a week, it is likely that the relationship will experience a bit of a lift. Simple concept, but sharing positivity speaks to a basic law of relationships: Negativity leads to more negativity, positivity leads to more positivity. See if you can find some way when to treat your partner like a friend next time you are upset, it’s not hard, just hard to remember sometimes.

 

Intimacy Moments of Opportunity Abound

How do you define intimacy in a relationship, what is it, how do you know when you have intimacy? The big question is how do we get there? Here is where we can learn from the “Masters of Relationships”, the research group Dr. John Gottman defines as people with long-term stable relationships who want to be with their partners, have a good friendship, and are happy in their relationship. Their secret: They notice small moments of opportunity to respond to their partner’s attempts to start a conversation, or to initiate some connection, even if that connection is for very brief moments.

It isn’t the deep heart-felt interactions that ultimately create intimacy – those can be nice – but rather, it is how we respond to our partner every day, in between those heart-felt conversations that makes those heart-felt conversations even possible .

Think of it this way: Every time your partner starts a conversation or makes a comment, or attempts to get your attention, turn toward that effort by acknowledging and responding positively in some way. These are the small moments of opportunity to strengthen the relationship, deepen friendship, and develop emotional connections. Gottman calls this “Putting money in the emotional bank account”. When we ignore those attempts, or worse yet, attack our partner, it is like a withdrawal from the emotional bank account. Too many withdrawals leads to the emotional equivalent of our current economic status – bankrupt and in the red.

These responses may be very brief and they don’t necessarily require much from us. For example, Patty comes into the room where Tom is reading the paper and asks what the weather forecast is for tomorrow. Here are some possible responses that miss the opportunity for connection:

1. “I’m reading the paper, can’t I have a moment by myself?”  
2. Tom takes a deep breath, rolls his eyes and seems impatient when answering the question
3. Tom says nothing, engrossed in the article, or he says “Rain”, and returns to the article ignoring Patty
4. Tom says “I don’t know”, then goes back to the paper.

Responses 1 & 2 are attacking and take big withdrawals from the emotional bank account. Responses 3 & 4 aren’t so bad on the surface, but nevertheless, withdrawals occur. After time those small withdrawals add up and will eventually lead to emotional disconnection.

These following responses are turning toward the partner with increasing amounts in deposits :

1. “I’ll check when I’m done with this article”.
2. “You know, I was wondering the same thing, we have had a lot of rain lately”.
3. “I’ll check, do you need to know because you are going someplace?”
4. Tom answers the question, and then starts a conversation about the weather, or Patty’s day for tomorrow, or something else.

As you can see, the above responses don’t really require a lot from us, but the consequences over time between the deposits and the withdrawals are huge. The Masters respond to their partners 86% of the time the partner initiates an interaction, while the couples who end up unhappy or not together respond positively only 33% of the time.  The difference between the two groups of responses doesn’t necessarily seem huge at first glance, but over time people stop making bids if they are not responded to.