Are We Having Fun Yet?

Margaret and James used to have a good time together – that is when they were both drinking. They had quite a ritual, with both coming  home from work around the same time they would begin their daily pattern of  happy hour. For many alcoholic couples, happy hour doesn’t stay happy as alcohol begins to change moods, temperaments, and judgement, all leading to unhappy hour. This wasn’t the case for James and Margaret.  They rarely fought during their happy hour and often had lively conversations filled with laughter. They both saw this time  as a time to bond. Drinking time was a fun time for them, often lasting several hours. After dinner, well not so much fun, with both falling asleep usually watching television. Drinking wasn’t so fun always at other times either as health issues for Margaret and escalating work-related difficulties for James led to poor performance reviews. James sales position required some evening and at home work which simply wasn’t happening.

Remarkably, both Margaret and James decided to stop drinking at just about the same time, and both began working a recovery program. They both went to AA and eventually found sponsors.  What surprised them both was that their relationship satisfaction dropped after they stopped drinking. James had about 8 months of sobriety and Margaret with 10 months when they started couples therapy.  James discouraged, commented, “Boy is recovery a buzz kill, literally! Aren’t relationships supposed to get better? Why aren’t we having more fun?” Margaret nodded her head in perplexed agreement. This was a great question, and not an uncommon issue or concern for couples in early and in ongoing recovery.

The couples that do best over time find ways to establish new rituals of connection and find ways to celebrate and have fun that don’t involve drinking or drugging. This is especially difficult when couples have relationships with their families of origin, and one or both of those families have highly ingrained rituals around drinking , with no model of how to be together and have fun without substances. Un-recovered family alcoholism presents a major issue to confront when individuals try to establish recovery in their lives and still be a part of their familiy where drinking is central.

“What do you two do for fun now that you no longer drink?” I asked after hearing about their former happy hour (or two) nightly get together. “Well,” Margaret replied,” We tried continuing our happy hour time with non alcoholic drinks”. “How has that gone?”, I asked, kind of knowing what the answer would likely be. James chimed in, “I don’t know what to talk about. We just sit there like we don’t have anything in common anymore. Sorry honey…” as he looked at Margaret, “…but it’s really kind of boring”. Margaret started to get defensive, but then had to admit that she really wasn’t having a good time either.

Time to Establish Some New Rituals for Fun

Trying to establish a non alcohol happy hour just didn’t work, too many associations with their drinking. They both needed to learn how to be together having fun in ways that didn’t involve drinking. Both coming from alcoholic families, neither one had family experiences to draw on, both families maintained drinking as a central activity at all family gatherings and celebrations.  As we continued our work in therapy, Margaret and James discussed new activities that they were willing to try together. For years they both expressed an interest in taking yoga, but drinking always would win out with mutual promises of “Next time”.  Now that they could, they decided to take a yoga class together, and found that the socialization following class really opened up their friend network, something long neglected. Margaret and James began attending parties hosted by the yoga class instructor and other members of the class. They found themselves open to new ideas about other things they had long talked about doing but never quite got to. James got his keyboard out the closet and began to practice again, entertaining ideas of trying to get his old group together . “Who knows, maybe we can actually play some gigs again now that I won’t be so loaded that I insult the club owner”.

It’s really a drag to start the day with a headache and it didn’t seem to be getting better, so she decided to check in with her doctor and see if she had any ideas. What followed was a surprise to both of us. After the doctor asked some questions about the type of headache my wife was experiencing and the nature and location of the pain, her doctor suggested that these types of headaches can be triggered by not having enough neck support from your pillow. ” Really!” I marveled at this revelation. “It can be as simple as having the right kind of pillow. It’s not stress?” – Once a therapist always a therapist.

“No, it’s not stress, although that is  not to say that some of my headaches don’t sometimes come from other sources”, as she looked at me with a slight smile and her head confidently cocked to the side. Time to drop the stress thing and get back to what the doctor told her. “Basically, she told me to get a contour pillow, the kind of pillow made of memory foam. It provides support”. I have to admit, I was a little skeptical that this would do the trick, but it certainly was worth trying, and it was a lot better than going on medication or more intrusive measures.

It turns out her doctor is a genius; the memory foam pillow has made all the difference in this headache issue, pretty much eliminating the problem. What is memory foam? I learned from a European Sleep Works website (no, this is not a commercial) that memory foam is able to contour to the body’s shape because it is made of  a synthetic foam and a type of mineral oil, a  ”wetting agent”,  which makes the foam yield then spring back at a slower rate. The longer you lay on the pillow, the warmer the wetting agent becomes, leading to a greater contour fit to the head and neck.

I got to thinking, sometimes in relationships arguments are very much like memory foam pillows or mattresses. Couples get stuck in repetitive, perpetual conflicts that always seem to end up in the same place. The longer you “lay in” the same argument, the more it contours to the same old pattern. Talk about headaches!

John Gottman refers to these issues as perpetual issues, which are defined as the kind of problems all couples have because we are different from one another. The research indicates that about 69% of the problems couples report are due to these perpetual, ongoing differences. No two individuals always think or act alike, we have differences in preferences, ideas, perspectives, interests, and so on. These differences are normal, even in the healthiest and happiest relationships. The trick is to accept these differences, work with temporary compromises, and realize while your partner may not be as perfect as you are, or see things in the same ways that are so obvious to you, your partner is thinking exactly the same thing about how different you are. Are we really surprised when our partner acts in certain ways that may irritate us or seem illogical?

Maybe bringing a new insight or new perspective to an old problem is like laying in a new spot on the memory foam – it creates a new fit, a new contour. If we think about personality differences and how we are really different people, maybe it’s not so bad if we ask ourselves -Would I really want to be married to somebody exactly like me? Sexual connotation aside: Vive le difference.

Why is it that it is so hard to ask for what we want? Allen was feeling pressured. The boss had him working two jobs after Jim left and his position was not refilled. Of course yesterday the car started sounding like a washing machine and losing power on acceleration: that can’t be good. The kids, God bless them, Allen loved them but they seem to be fighting more these days over important issues like “Dad Alisa touched me”, “and “Kelsey stop looking at me”, you know the important stuff the 2nd grade twins found to be life thretening. Oh, then there was Allen’s annual physical his wife had been nagging him about. “Yea, Sandra, I really look forward to my visits with Dr. Big Hands”. Sandra responded, “Oh come on Allen, you should try delivering twins, then we can have a conversation about your physical!”

Allen finally make it home after another accident filled, rainy, gridlocked commute and promptly expressed his frustrations and stresses in classic form: No he did not say he was stressed, tired and feeling overwhelmed, no, he morphed into a porcupine: all prickly and grumpy. Allen learned from his father that men  let their partner know they need something by becoming porcupine-ish. Somehow, Sandra kept missing the cues, “Or maybe she doesn’t care?” thought Allen

Sandra responded with a few attempts at asking if Allen had a bad day, but when he responded sarcastically with “What do you think?” Sandra morphed into “Chucha, lioness who can not be tamed”. With her own version of survival in motion Chucha prowled the rooms carefully avoiding the prickly porcupine, after all, she had cubs to tend to and a list of chores on her to do list.

Both Sandra and Allen were able to make it through the evening. Allen got the kids ready for bed while Sandra spent some time on the phone coordinating play dates and getting ready for her day at the office. Finally, the kids went down, after three repetitions of “The Runaway Bunny”. Sandra heard Allen read the story from the other room, with not just a little irony, both she and Allen thinking “Yea, running away sounds pretty good to me too”. When Sandra finished her calls and getting things ready for the next day, she found Allen slumped on the couch looking like an extra in the movie Day of the Dead. She sat next to him after he saw her and patted the seat next to him. They both realized that each had been under the gun, but somehow they couldn’t figure out how to deal with what seemed like an endless stream of responsibilities that was impacting their relationship.

Sandra recalled that she desperately wanted Allan to hold her last night. why couldn’t he see how exhausted she was? She was practically in tears when she looked at the laundry, why didn’t he offer to at least help? Both Allen and Sandra have a hard time asking for what they need. Sometimes they need help with stuff, mostly they seem to  need understanding, or a listening ear. That night Sandra didn’t morph into a lioness, she morphed into a fragile kitten.

Inside every porcupine and lioness is something else  that simply wants to be held, understood, validated, helped, or some other need. What is underneath that morphed animal? Here’s a starter list below. Find a picture from a magazine or the internet that might show your partner how you are feeling. Who knows, you may work up to actually putting words to the picture.

You have got to be kidding. I just discovered today that in a strange, unplanned, unintentional and ironic little turn, in the last blog I posted on the issue of  technology’s impact on relationships, I made a mistake that sent a very confusing post to all who subscribe to this blog.

Let me explain. So the blog was titled “Is Your Partner Having an Affair…With Technology?” As I was writing the blog I thought I would use technology to help create a conversation between partners about the impact of technology on their relationship. Hey, here’s an idea I thought, I would add some audio files embedded in the blog that would make funny little sounds.  I would encourage the reader to click on the audio buttons while their partner was in the room – grabbing their partner’s attention and asking what the sounds were about. Here was the perfect opportunity to have the partner come over, read the blog and answer the questions I listed and could start that conversation in a spirit of humor. You know, kind of like fishing, putting out the bait you know the fish likes, see if you get a hit, reel them in.

Of course, this approach could backfire – it is a bit devious and well, I can admit , manipulative – but in a nice way. I figured the previous blog addressed how to repair an argument, what the hey, they’re covered. If this attempt to tantalize the partner’s technological curiosity wasn’t being perceived as a lighthearted “bid” for what could be an important conversation, I was going to encourage the partners to disrupt the argument by hitting the funny noise buttons until they both laughed. I laughed every time I hit one of the buttons, but then again, I am the guy that likes shiny objects that move and/or make noise.

Here is the problem. I found out I couldn’t add sound files to my blog without an upgrade to my WordPress account. OK I thought, maybe I’ll get the upgrade later, but in the meantime I will rewrite this section and leave out the audio files for now. Press PREVIEW : Except I hit “PUBLISH” before writing the new section. At that moment, everybody who subscribes to the blog got an email of the blog – the version that had the instructions to hit the non-existent buttons with the non-existent audio files, with the non-existent funny sounds. Oh, by the way, this blog was just featured in the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists Facebook  page, and a bunch of those folks just started a subscription. Great timing Bob. – Hi and welcome  AAMFT members…blush…gee…sorry about the confusion…you can delete the email…ahh, the final version is at the blog address…)

I can’t really blame technology for this, I’m the guy that hit the wrong button. And as long as I’m confessing, I thought this would be the rare opportunity to legitimately (appear) to have a reason to put funny sounding audio files in my blog, add the moving images, and play a bit with this stuff. Also, I know the picture at the top looks like OJ, but it isn’t. There, I feel better, plus I got to use another animation in a blog. Now I will click on publish and hope there aren’t too many tyypos, you can’t be too careful. See, repair is really cool in relationships, with or without funny noises.

Conversation Snippets

“It’s 3:00 am, why are you checking your email now?…because you want to see if your vacation notification is working?”

“The blue glow from your lap top in our bedroom is really attractive, but turn that stupid thing off!”

“Are you listening? I need to tell you something important…oh, I see, you are listening and are good at multi-tasking”

“Do we really need to store the remote under your pillow?”

“You want me to text you? I thought we might actually have a conversation here at the restaurant.”

“Yes Wikipedia is interesting and no, I don’t want to know how many varieties of mold have been discovered in the last 10 years.

“Honey, we don’t need to set the GPS to get to my mother’s house. What do you mean you are searching for an alternative route that takes longer?”

Smart Phones, iPads, Kindles, BlackBerrys, Blu-Ray Players, GPS Navigators, Video-Game Consoles, Monitors, MP3 Players, etc., etc.

Sound familiar? Technology has invaded our culture, our lives, our relationships. Relentless, technology marches on with the newest, coolest, sexiest gizmo  never more than weeks away from release. These concerns are more and more a part of the complaints I hear in the couples therapy room.

I have to say, when it comes to technology, I feel a bit like Gollum in the Hobbit, remember him, the character with a split personality – one part talking to the other part with a love/hate thing. My internal conversation is about technology. “My precious iPod, you are amazing, I can use G mail, Google calendar, use Microsoft Word, read books and sync it all wirelessly with my netbook. I can even deal with angry birds and land airplanes – best score 57 safe landings ….wait, go away, I know you want me all the time – you call to me all the time.Yes you are clever and seductive…yes precious I can listen to any artist I like on Pandora radio…WAIT (Whew)! “

There is a sort of “use your powers for good” concept here. Undoubtedly, technology has made our lives easier in countless ways. Yes technology can make our work easier. The “dark side” is summarized in a session I had with a couple recently. Both partners expressed the toll technology has taken on their relationship. One partner stated that, “We have never been more connected, and yet more lonely”

Given that we ultimately have to learn to deal with the realities of technological innovation in our daily lives, how might couples manage the challenges of technology and the impact on their individual lives and their relationship? John Gottman’s research on relationships lead to the “Sound Relationship House” model. Happy stable relationships have three different parts of the relationship going well: the friendship system, conflict system, and the meaning system. It’s this last category that best addresses the technology issue. Questions in this last component deal with what gives the couple meaning, the kind of life style, values, roles each person sees for a happy and healthy relationship. GOAL: ADAPT TECHNOLOGY TO YOUR LIVES, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND ( ADAPTING YOUR LIVES TO TECHNOLOGY)

Have a Conversation With Your Partner About Technology

1. Perhaps you can get an agreement to check out this blog. Then discuss the following questions, each person taking turns as listener.

• What are the ways I think our involvement with technology sometimes interferes with our relationship?
• What  do I like about how we manage technology in our lives?
• How might we adapt our technology and use of technology to better match what we value in a life style as: Individuals? A couple? A Family?

Remember, connecting with your partner will sometimes mean walking away from those seductive electronic sirens beckoning us for “just a little bit longer”.    

“OK Dick, I want to talk about what happened last night”(1), Jane opened with a no-nonsense, let’s get to business look. She was calm, but felt upset and hurt. Dick paused a few moments, on the one hand Dick dreaded “the talk” after the argument, on the other hand, he too felt badly about how intense their conflict became. He knew he had really hurt Jane when he compared her to her mother, a relationship Jane had struggled with her entire life. While it seemed like the right thing to say at the time just to get her to stop attacking him, he could at least admit to himself that he didn’t like how it felt afterwards.

“Dick….?” Jane felt him slipping away again emotionally and she desperately needed to fix this. Dick avoided looking directly at Jane, took a deep breath and in a slightly condescending tone replied, “Jane, it’s talking that got us in trouble to begin with.”   After several moments  of silence Dick looked at Jane, waiting for another attack. He wondered how and why things got so bad so quickly last night. Dick didn’t like what he was feeling but he saw where this was heading and changed direction. “Jane, OK, let me start this over (2). We do need to figure out what happened and just not go there”(1), Dick took another deep breath and kept eye contact.

“I know”, Jane replied with relief, as the tension in her eased a bit. “Dick, sometimes I don’t feel listened to and I get frustrated(3). I ask you to do things that you seem to forget. I guess something snapped inside when I saw you had taken the mail into your office again after you said you would leave the mail on the kitchen table for me to see. I shouldn’t have criticized you(4), and I am sorry about that(2), but that statement about my mother…I need you to not go there(1)“.

Dick could see Jane’s hurt and replied “I am sorry Jane, that slipped out and I know that hurt you(2,4). I hate feeling like I let you down or have disappointed you, sometimes it comes out sideways(4). The comment about my ‘Oops moments’, could you not say that(1)?’ Dick couldn’t say it out loud, but he felt shame when he would forget things. He wasn’t sure if he had too many things going on, or maybe he had ADD, but he has struggled with forgetting things most of his life which has been an endless source of pain and humiliation for him.

Jane replied with increasing softness, “OK. Sorry(2). I will work on not attacking you when I’m upset(4), and if I come on too strongly will you tell me that rather than coming back at me?(1).

Dick smiled, “I guess we both have our ‘Oops moments’(4). Sure, I will let you know if my gut starts twisting into a square knot when you start to talk”(2), Jane looked at Dick and started laughing and replied “Deal”.

The relationship seemed back on track for the both of them. There was more to the story, but this was good for now.

Play by Play of the Repair

Most important tools in a repair (numbers refer to footnotes above):

1. Asking for what you need not what you don’t need. Avoid Blame
2. Repair - starting a conversation over when off to a bad start; saying “I’m, sorry; humor, (anything that turns down the anger or escalation)
3. Sharing feelings:  I feel______ about________. Describe behaviors, avoid labels-
4. Accepting responsibility – simply owning a part of the problem and avoiding defensiveness.

One of the most important tools every couple needs is to have a way to repair the relationship when it slips off tracks, which it inevitably will do. Building repair into the relationship will help when the communication slips into the “Oops Moments”. It also provides a level of deeper intimacy – trust me on that.

See, Dick and Jane are like you and me. Who doesn’t have their Oops Moments?

See Dick.  See Jane .  See Dick and Jane fight.

Jane tilted her head to the side, her eyes widened, the muscles in her jaw tightened forcing her upper and lower lips into a very small shared space on her face. She couldn’t contain it anymore. Despite her attempts to stay calm she let loose  at Dick.  Her lips went from very closed to very open, creating the illusion that her face was getting bigger. “You have got to be kidding! You actually took the mail into your office AGAIN, and well, I didn’t get the credit card statement. We now have a late fee. That’s a $39.00 late fee plus the interest…all because I couldn’t find the bill to pay it…AHHHhhhh, what is the matter with you?”

Dick couldn’t believe she was reacting this strongly. The credit card balance was only $800.00. Pretty low all in all. Dick was thinking, let’s see, what’s that,  $10.00 interest fee, on top of the $39.00. Dick’s tried to remain rational, but he found his voice automatically elevated,  matching Jane’s tone and intensity, “We are talking about a stupid $50.00 penalty. Give me a break. Everything always comes down to such a crisis for you. You are not happy unless you have something to complain about. When is the last time I forgot to pass on the credit card statement?”

Jane looked incredulously at Dick. How about for the last two out of four months? You seriously think I look forward to your latest “Oops” moments? Dick replied defensively and definitively, “Oh come on Jane, You know that is an exaggeration. No way. And yes, you seem to enjoy pointing out everything I do wrong. Guess you learned that from that sweet understanding mother of yours”.

Dick knew that one hit, and hit hard. He knew any reference to Jane’s mother was a trump card. Jane moved to the opposite end of the couch, threw up her right hand as though to dismiss Dick and the conversation, and took a deep breadth. Jane slid despondently and silently into silence. Dick. with his arms crossed his chest, felt vindicated. She was being unjust and unnecessarily critical. He  remained like a stone, arms crossed. Both Jane and Dick had their own versions of that internal voice pronouncing the inevitable conclusion after such a heated exchange: “YOU MAKE ME FEEL CRAZY”.

Dick’s victory at ending the argument so quickly felt short-lived. Jane went to the kitchen and put on some coffee, aimlessly and mindlessly picking and cleaning things up. Dick stayed on the couch, checked his email on his smart phone, but he couldn’t really concentrate. After about 20 minutes, both Dick and Jane were feeling badly about the whole encounter. Yes they had their disagreements, but this was a bad one. What Happened?

Dick & Jane’s Play By Play

1. Jane started the conversation the wrong way. Instead of starting off with blame, a softer start would have been better, something like, “Dick, you took the mail and put it in your office. I’m frustrated because I didn’t see the credit card statement. I really need to have you leave the mail on the kitchen table until I have had a chance to see what’s there.”

2. Dick Was defensive. He could have taken some responsibility for the mail mishap. It’s possible a simple “I’m sorry”, might have helped. If Jane’s reaction continued, he could have asked what this was about.

3. Both became a catalyst for sensitive feelings. We all have enduring vulnerabilities that our partner tends to bring out from time to time. For Jane, she grew up in a family where father was financially irresponsible. She doesn’t see Dick as irresponsible, but in the moment all the old feelings and fears rushed in – she couldn’t help it. Furthermore, her mother was quite critical of Jane’s father and of Jane and her sister. Any identification with mother pushed a deep, painful button – and she knew Dick knew that. Dick too has his vulnerabilities. Growing up with a perfectionist father left Dick feeling like he always fell short. Jane’s criticism really hurt Dick. Needless to say, both got flooded with emotion very quickly.

4. Both became “flooded”, a term referring to physiology taking over our bodies, minds, and words. When activated, the sympathetic nervous system puts us on alert, signaling danger. Dr. Gottman discovered that when couples get physiologically flooded during an argument, communication deteriorates, humor disappears, and listening and empathy are impossible. The best option when one or both partners are flooded is to take a break until everybody is calm, at least 20 minutes.

Dick and Jane were able to get past this. The most important tool that couples have is repair. There is no way we can always avoid starting things out poorly, becoming defensive, triggering our partner, or becoming flooded. We can work on those things, but the key is to have a system to repair the relationship when it slips off track. We will cover that in the next blog.  Don’t worry too much about Dick and Jane, the argument above sounded worse than it was because Dick and Jane know damage control…

See Dick and Jane. See Dick and Jane learn how to repair their argument in the next blog.

Imagine this scene: Judy and Mike are experiencing a lot of difficulty in their marriage. They decide to get some help from a therapist to figure things out and develop some new tools for managing their conflicts. Opening scene of their first visit: 

Therapist: (Well here’s the new couple in my waiting room. Hey, they’re arguing already, they didn’t even wait for me). “Excuse me, let me show you to my office.”

Mike: ”After you, DEAR.”

Judy: “Mike, grow up. We are here to help you with your obvious lack of communication skills”.

Mike: Oh, excuse me, I thought we were here to deal with your anger issues – remember, our last therapist thought you had father issues.”

Judy: (Eyes close) “No Mike, she said my unresponsive, blaming  father, was well, just like you, and gee what a surprise I may have reactions to the fact that you are selfish and self-centered”.

Therapist: (Maybe this is a good time to think about a referral). “Let me stop you. Let’s get into my office, then I’ll get both your stories.”  

They all walk into the therapist’s office. The therapist hears one complaint after another, and thinks (Yikes, this is a case for Gus, Master Gottman Therapist). Gus has the ability to, without using any words, simply look at clients and get them to stop criticizing each other. The couple only has to look at Gus and realize that their argument is escalating and that is not good. They realize that the biggest predictors of divorce are the “Four Horsemen of  the Apocalypse”, constant patterns of escalating conflict with 1.Blaming 2.Defensivness 3.Withdrawal (Stonewalling)and 4. Contempt (belligerence).

So, who is Gus? Some figment of my imagination? Some fantasy of what I wish I could do with the couples I see in my office.? No, Gus isn’t a figment of my imagination, he is real – and yes admittedly, maybe I wish I could have the same effect on the couples I see in my office. So here is the true story of Gus.

A couple I am working with has been struggling with arguing and bickering. We identified and had been working with the patterns of the Four Horsemen in their interactions. They had some successes, but struggled with relapsing into old patterns of blame and criticism. In our last session they reported that they had made a breakthrough in their relationship. I waited with anxious  anticipation after asking them what made the difference? I thought to myself, what did I do or say that made the difference? What tool did I give them that helped them to manage their conflicts? One can never tell for sure what things seem to click.

Here’s what they said. “The thing that really helped us was our dog Gus.” (What? I thought, your dog??) “Yea , every time Tom and I started to fight, Gus would get scared and go in the other room and just look at us. We realized we needed to stop being so mean to each other”. Ever since we realized Gus was getting upset, we have been able to stop, before things got nasty”.

 Hmmm, one upped by a dog. But there is a great lesson here. Next time you start to get into it with your partner, try to visualize Gus. Who can resist those eyes?

This ability to objectively look in on a situation that you are involved in is referred to by Dan Wile, as “Stepping on the platform”. You step outside the interaction and observe what is happening. When you can do that, you can observe the scene with objectivity and see where things are headed. That’s what Gottman Method Therapists are trained to do with couples, but frankly, I think Gus can teach us something, and he didn’t even go to graduate school.    

“Rick” and ”Sandy” came into the office with smiles and in good humor. I checked with them asking how things have gone since our last therapy session. They talked about: how they are making an effort to spend more time together, that they went on a family vacation that went very well, and that they are developing some new rituals as a couple involving checking in with each other on a regular basis. All this is good, because they came to therapy complaining that they were feeling emotionally disconnected and dissatisfied with their relationship.

I asked about how their sex life was going, they looked at each other and laughed, “What sex life?”  When couples have difficulties in their sex life they often aren’t laughing, so I knew there was a story behind the laughter. Here’s the story.

Rick and Sandy have two children, aged five and three. Need I say more? It can be challenging to find either the time or energy to connect romantically with each other when you have little kids. Sandy spoke of how one night recently their three year-old, “Emily” crawled in their bed with them, and how tired Sandy was that night; she  felt a bit claustrophobic, so Sandy went to sleep in Emily’s bed. Shortly after that Andrew moved in on the other side of dad, who was now officially a dad sandwich. Rick reported that at about 3:00 am he heard Andrew yell, “Emily switch sides with me, I peed the bed!” Emily woke up and argued “I don’t want to go on your side”. ”Come on Emily, sleep on my side”. Dad just looked straight up at the ceiling during the exchange, and took a deep breath. Mom was restless in the other room as her feet hung over the end of Emily’s bed. 

Many couples can relate to the challenge of keeping the romance going with little ones in the house. Research indicates that marital satisfaction goes down for most couples when a new baby arrives in the household. New parents are exhausted, there is little time for oneself, much less one’s partner, parents are sleep deprived, and many couples just have a hard time talking about sex.

Dr. John Gottman conducted a study in the San Francisco Bay Area looking at the first three years of parenthood, and couples who managed to keep their sex life going. There are three patterns that led to better outcomes in the sexual arena for new parents:

1. Couples continued to court each other and tell their partners regularly they were special, gave little gifts, and paid each other compliments
2. They developed rituals to initiate sex, ways to refuse sex and be ok, and found ways to talk about preferences. They talked about it
3. They made sex a priority like  creating get-aways, date night,  communicating desire for the partner, and finding ways to connect physically not limited to intercourse.    

Rick and Sandy (not their real names) gave me permission to share their experience. Sex in the city is possible, even with little kids. It probably won’t look like Hollywood, but with some creativity and perseverance… 

Bud is a soft spoken man, exuding kindness, and a sort of wisdom that draws you in. He recalled the following story, sharing with Cindy and me that recently his neighbor Jim, was convinced that Bud was having marital problems. Bud stated that he was confused why Jim expressed his concern about how Bud was doing given the shaky marriage he apparently was in.

So, Bud asked Jim why he thought he had marital problems. “Well Bud, it is the way your wife yells at you, it seems pretty constant”. Bud replied, “Yells at me? What are you talking about?” Jim reluctantly mimicked an abrasive,demanding, staccato rhythm of ‘BUD! BUD! BUD!’ She sounds really upset with you”.’

Bud smiled and said, “I see. Well actually, that isn’t my wife you hear, it’s Sweetie, my parrott”. Bud reported that Jim looked incredulous, paused to see if Bud was serious, and when he saw that Bud wasn’t kidding, both men laughed.

This true story points out that Jim was quite the Gottman researcher and could predict Bud’s marital happiness based on what appeared to be abrasive demands, that apprently Bud wasn’t responding to.

Next time you get angry at your partner, think about Sweetie, and whether you want to parrott the parrott, or whether you might be able to take a breath, state what’s happening and how you feel about it, and what you want. You can sqawk, or you can talk. I guess we all need to squawk every once in a while, and hey, nobody is perfect. However, I could argue that constant squawking is for the birds.